2014 Pro Cycling quotes we never heard, part 1
Froome, the fake quote
2014 pro cycling rider "Quotes of the Year" that were never said or we wish were said or should have been said.
The new season is upon us but let's look back and read some of the best quotes that were never uttered. (Note to lawyers: totally fabricated quotes, not real, not remotely.)
We can only imagine these things being delivered but there's no harm in wishing people were a little looser with the tongue.
David Brailsford, SKY
"Chris Froome bores the crap out of me. Really he does. No personality whatsoever. I love Bradley but it's the opposition problem. Too much personality and can't shut his mouth. Sometimes I wish I had Contador -- life would be so much simpler."
Oleg Tinkof Tinkof-Saxo
"Yes, I'm a blowhard. I'm the ugly Russian who shouts all the time and throws money around in crass, vulgar ways. I pretend I'm amusing but deep down I know I'm just irritating."
Peter Sagan, Tinkoff-Saxo
"My English is perfect. I just like to say garbled nonsense to throw people off and keep them from bothering me. Cryptic is cool and it just adds to my mystique. I mean, Cancellara says some wacky stuff in English and nobody makes fun of him."
Jonathan Vaughters, Cannondale-Garmin
"I'm smarter than everyone else in cycling. Isn't that obvious to everyone by now? I've got an MBA and my wardrobe kicks ass. And my tweets are like comedy haiku."
Mark Cavendish, Omega-Pharma
"My wife is so hot so I don't care it I lose every stage of the 2015 Tour to Kittle. Yea, he's got cool hair but my wife is super hot."
Greg Van Avermaet, BMC
"Gilbert is just an ego maniac. He still thinks I'm plan B. I'm plan A. Guy doesn't even know how to train. And his face is all pock-marked which makes me way more photogenic."
Dan Martin, Cannondale Garmin
"Yes, I know my teeth are crooked. Yes, I make enough money to get braces. But I like the crooked teeth because it makes me look like a crazed pirate. People fear crooked teeth. They're menacing."
Alberto Contador, Tinkoff-Saxo
"I totally sandbagged everybody on my Tour injury. I had Froome and Valverde fooled in the Vuelta until it was too late. Froome is so gullible -- he's even more of a sucker than Andy Schleck."
Vincenzo Nibali, Astana
"I could kill Vino for all this doping crap. Strangle him slowly with piano wire just like they do in the Italian gangster movies. I bet I could get Aru to buy the wire."
Chris Froome, Sky
"Goodbye Brad, missed you at the Tour and Vuelta. NOT! I so nailed you with my book. I killed your last chances to ever ride a grand tour. Watching you beg in the press was fun, it really was."
Alejandro Valverde, Movistar
"The hair regrowth stuff really worked. Well, it kinda worked. Don't look to closely."
Nairo Quintana, Movistar
"The rest of those guys in the Giro were pussies. I had to laugh. I didn't escape the crushing poverty in Colombia to stop for some stupid red flag just cause it's raining when the big money was there for the taking. And I think Valverde's hair looks great."
Tom Boonen, Omega-Pharma
"I wish I could just stop now and drink beer. Honestly, I'm kinda done with the whole cobbles thing."
Jens Voigt, retired
I have six kids back home in Germany so I decided to retire in Wisconsin and work for Trek. No child care for me. Besides, they love me in the States -- I can have sex with anybody I want."
Lance Armstrong, banned for life
"I'd like to throw Betsey Andreu and Travis Tygart in a wood-chipper. That would be my idea of a good time. Maybe I could get George to come over and help me clean up after."
Alexander Vinokourov, Astana
"UCI president Brain Cookson looks like a sad hound-dog and I beat him with a lead pipe. I got my team license again, bitch."